Sunday, October 10, 2010

Day #46 & #47: One word...why?

I believe there are days in life when it's as if the world is slowly imploding around you, and all you want to do is crawl into a dark corner and hide. Maybe it's a basic human instinct....the need to feel safe and protected. It's has if this dark looming cloud envelopes you, and nothing you do or try can release it. It is days like this that lead me to ask one little question...why?

How many of us have found ourselves on our knees or lying on the ground staring at the ceiling, tears streaming down our faces, crying out...why, why, WHY??? I have been told by many pious friends of mine that God only gives you what He feels you can handle, with His help of course. Today, I looked up at the sky on my walk, eyes fixated on the heavens above, and simply thought to myself, "dear God, I love you, but you gotta give me a break. I'm tired." Of course, accompanied with this very perfunctory statement, came the elusive follow up question, "God, why did you give this to me? Have I done something wrong? Do you really think I'm that strong?"

I'm not sure if I have a good answer to any of it. Perhaps, it's just not meant to be answered. Maybe, I need to stop trying so hard to figure it out, and just let the answers come to me. Am I strong? I suppose so. Do I feel I can handle what God has handed me? Hmm, so far so good. The deep underlying question, however, is for what reason? The reason...I have no clue.

I can think of all the difficulties in life, all of the pain, and heartache, the tears, the moments of complete and utter despair. It's as if part of me has welled them up inside, and only now, when I have reached the ripe old age of 30, I can finally understand that I need to let it go. Maybe God is trying to tell me, enough. Yes, He's given me difficulties in life, but He has also given me free will and the tremendous ability to forgive and to love. He's also granted me beautiful and wondrous moments in life, for which I am grateful. Maybe, there's just not one concrete answer. Life tends to be a myriad of shades of gray, as opposed to the distinct black and white. I think at this point, I will stop asking why, and simply start listening. I will listen to my heart, my feelings, and to the little clues that God seems to be whispering in my ear, that I have yet to hear. I'm not sure what it will eventually bring me, but it has to be better than the present circumstances.

I found a beautiful quote that Christopher Robin said to Winnie the Pooh. He says, "Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” Hmmm...maybe, just maybe, God is standing in front of me, arms waving, blow horn in hand, and trying to tell me, "yes, I've given you a lot, but remember this, you are braver, stronger, and more able than you think. Give yourself more credit girl. I think you're pretty darn spiffy, and I made you."

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer." ~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

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