Monday, September 13, 2010

Day #20: Gentlemen, I am not a song and dance woman.

I have been thinking quite a bit about my past relationships, more so about their demises than anything else. I think I've found a common theme in most of them...the emotionally unavailable man, and the woman who did everything but do back flips to get his attention. OK, so, unfortunately, my choices of men in the past have been less than stellar. I wish they would come with some type of visible barometer to gauge their levels of relationship readiness...a) ready and willing, let's jump in; b) getting warmer, but not quite there yet; c) ewww, I'm a little too icy right now; and d) back away and run if you know what is good for you!!

Sadly, most of the men I have dated have fallen into category c and d, and believe you me, it was hard work dating them. Any man that requires you to stand on your head, juggle with one hand, recite the alphabet backwards, and don a lady gaga inspired flame throwing bra, well, is frankly not worth your time. I've been there, I've done it, and you know what, I'm done with it! Women do not deserve to date men that require you to constantly work at getting his attention so he realizes and acknowledges how wonderful you are. Here's a notion, it should already have gotten through his thick noggin the moment you met him that you are wonderful, and beautiful, and absolutely deserving of a happy and fulfilling relationship.

Let me tell you a bit about my dating past, in the hopes that you won't make the same mistakes that I've made. If a man gives you crap for putting eyeliner on to go to a party, or belittles you for having a closet full of shoes, or comments that you probably should wear at bra at night when home to prevent, ahem, the girls from heading south, well, he's just a shithead and should be swiftly kicked to the curb. In addition, if he suddenly neglects to call you for two days and begins acting obtuse and distant after he's professed how wonderful you are (feeling the bipolar vibe here) move on! If his friends treat you terribly, and he defends them, move away, move far, far away. Finally, if he puts a caveat on your exclusivity, such as "I guess we'll see what happens" run, do not look back!

My point is that relationships should not be this difficult, and they should not be laced with destructive criticism, or hurtful ambivalence. Yes, relationship require work, and work from both people for that matter, but the overall ratio of joy should far exceed that of sadness. I've seen people struggle in relationships that were bottomless pits, only to find themselves scratching and pawing to get out at the end. Thus, if he's not making you happy, if you are doing all the work and he's lounging around without a care in the world, it is time to drop him, and find a real man who is ready and willing to be with the wonderful woman that is you.

This is what we all deserve, and what we should all strive for. In a post by Lynette Schafer, she remarks that a good relationship is built on the following six characteristics: 1)humility, 2)attentiveness, 3)generosity, 4)inspiration, 5) courage, and 6) perspective. I'd like to add to this and include respect, communication, and admiration. An unknown author so poignantly gave the following advice when looking for the right man, “Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.”

In conclusion, I think Oscar Wilde had it right when he said, "How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being." Even when your eyebrows are in desperate need of waxing, you just don't feel like shaving your legs, and you'd much rather wear your flannel jammies than that lacy nightgown, it shouldn't and doesn't matter, because the person he loves is you, not an illusion or an act. Genuine you...what could be better :)

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