Sunday, August 29, 2010
Day #5: Limbo.
I'm feeling very punky today. I'm not sure if it's hormones, or the fact that it's Sunday evening. Regardless, there is a part of me that feels empty and alone today. Unfortunately, I still have these days on occasion. Don't get me wrong, I had an absolutely wonderful time with my family today. They always seem to lift me up when I'm in a funk. However, at times, I just feel so hallow. I often wonder when I have days like this what is missing.
I guess I would have to say that I am missing someone special in my life. I absolutely love my life, and feel very fulfilled, but there is part of me that longs to share a deep intimacy with someone. The few times that I have gotten close, it seems as if the men I was with pushed me away. When can it be that I meet someone who will embrace, and allow me to want to be vulnerable and not protective when I am with them? Building on a previous post, I know that I have not done anything wrong, and that my only fault is wanting to care for someone deeply. Hell, that shouldn't even be a fault. I think of my last relationship, and how much I cared for him, and how much he hurt me in the end. Even though it occurred only a few months ago, there really isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of this person. This isn't to say that I would rush back into his arms...in fact just the opposite. I'm confident enough now to know when something is good for me, and when something is really bad for me, and he was very bad for me. It's more that I miss the potential of something remarkable with another human being. I have so much to give, I just wish there was someone out there that was willing and able to accept it.
Not that I have given up hope. I think for the first time in my life, I feel worthy of a great love, and I truly believe that it is because I finally feel worthy of receiving it, that it will find me. I've suffered far too long with poor self esteem and the tragic belief that I was not worthy. How sad of me to think that way. If I have learned anything, it is that in order for someone else to love you, you must love yourself above all. I sometimes want to run to the top of the mountain and shout out, "Yes!! I do love me!!!" Now, I just think, when will he find me?
There is so much beauty to love, and I so desperately want to experience that now that I am in a place in my life where I feel confident, secure, and ready to conquer the world. And above all, I want someone to love me for who I am. I just want to be me, and part of being me is giving as much love as I can. I know it will take a special person to accept that, but then again, I don't want anything less than special. So, I will continue to live my best life ever, and embrace the day when I finally find my life partner. And I believe it is not a matter of if, but a matter of when. The power of belief is so strong. I choose to believe in good, and love, and all of the beauty this world has to offer. I also choose to believe that love will find me, and when it does, it will be simply magical.
"Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end." ~Author Unknown