Friday, January 7, 2011
Days #131-135: The One.
"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book 'too beautiful for earth.'"
There are not enough words in the human language to describe two of the most poignant happenings in life-love and loss. John Greenleaf Whittier, "For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.'" He or she might have been his or her one true love. The job promotion lost may have been the ticket to great success. And the tiny being growing in the womb may have grown into an amazing human being, until God and the angels had decided he or she was best left in heaven.
Some of you know, but some of you do not, but Chris and I were blessed enough to find out a few weeks ago that we were expecting. Although a complete and utter surprise, it was none-the-less one of the happiest times in our lives. This little miracle, against all odds, decided to make its presence known and bring a whole lot of joy and happiness to its mommy and daddy for a short period of time. Sadly, after a grueling day on Thursday without a detectable heartbeat and a horrible experience in ultrasound, our worst fears were confirmed....we had lost our baby. I wish there were words to express the devastation we felt, but luckily tears and tender embraces did the job.
Now, I know for many couples, the gravity of such a tragedy has the inexplicable ability to either meld you together like glue or irreversibly tear you apart as Moses parted the Red Sea. If this little being has done anything for us, it has brought us together and given us an unimaginable gift It has also left no doubt in my mind that this wonderful man is the person I am meant to spend the rest of my life with. Chris and I had planned to announce our engagement and the baby at once, but unfortunately the little one is no longer with us, but our love for each other and our desire to marry is stronger than ever.
It really is amazing what you learn about a person at times of tragedy. You learn that person's capability for strength and endurance as well as his magnitude for compassion and undying and unconditional love. I remember vividly sitting on the gurney in the ultrasound suite, naked from the waste down, only a sheet covering me. I was taking in the awful news and the day and there sitting next to me was Chris holding my hand. It was at that very moment that I realized all of my wishes had come true.
As my wonderful doctor says, "This just really sucks." And you know what, it does. It sucks to every reach of this big old planet and probably across some distant unknown galaxies. But you know what, I have to thank this little creature for even the short time he or she was with us. Because, it was because of his or her presence that her parents found each other and grew together. So, Chris and I will go on, we will most definitely get married :)-and we have every intention of eventually producing another spawn-those are Chris' words :) And, like the little being that existed for a short period of time, our next production will be just as priceless and equally created out of love.
I also couldn't write this without telling my family and my friends how wonderful they are and how much they mean to me. If it wasn't for my mom, my siblings, my soon to be in-laws and Chris' family, and my closest girlfriends taking my texts and frantic calls, I don't know how I could have gotten through all of this. You are my angels holding me up when all I want to do is fall down.
Finally-I know our little is one is up in heaven surrounded by his grandfather, great-grandparents, great uncles, great aunts, etc....undoubtedly being spoiled and doted on. I'm also sure my father is the ring leader of the group and getting to enjoy his grandchild a little bit earlier than the rest of us. And, I know he's doing a spectacular job, and will keep our angel safe until we get to meet him or her one day.