Day #100, #101, #102, & #103: Love changes everything

We all wait for it. Those three elusive words that defines the seriousness of a relationship. In some ways, it's a very fine dance until that moment. Do you, don't you? Is it too soon? Does he feel the same way? Should I wait for him and should I just say what I feel? Am I sure about what a feel? Is this real? Is this really for real? It's amazing how three little words can stir up emotions beyond belief and questions that even the greatest of minds still ponder over.

I will never forget being told, "I love you." I will never forget the feeling within my core and the wooziness in my head when I finally learned that the person of my affection and who has already won over my heart, also feels the same way. The whole dynamic of the relationship changes, and all that you had been holding in can finally be released like a bulging dam-all the emotions and love within the heart just floods out and both of you are transformed.

There is something truly miraculous about being in love and being loved. It defies limitations and overcomes all odds. Just as Dr. Seuss said, "You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." To me, being told "I love you" is the most precious gift anyone can give. Romantic love or the love of a parent, a sibling, a friend, or a child-it doesn't matter. Love is a gift and one I will never ever take for granted. Kurt Langner wrote "Love is a gift. You can't buy it, you can't find it, someone has to give it to you. Learn to be receptive of that gift."

She Walks In Beauty by Lord Byron

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

Day #98 & #99: I think I just saw a ghost-oh wait, that was my ex

It's inevitable-one of these days you will unexpectedly run into a former flame or old boyfriend. It may be a face to face run in or a simple glance while on the street. Regardless, for some reason it seems to stir up memories of old. And like seeing a ghost, it leaves you stunned and disillusioned for a period of time.

This happened to me the other day. Innocently leaving work I happened to glance a familiar silhouette out of the corner of my eye. He was as I remembered him. Tall and slender with a book bag casually slung over his shoulders. Nothing had changed. He was the same figure I had been so head over heals for just 8 months ago. I sat in my car, the breath sucked out of me for a few moments, until I regained my composure.

Then something miraculous happened. I digested that elusive figure in front of me-the figure that I had so longed for and so loved for a period of time. The image that I had idolized and put on the highest possible pedestal. Then it occurred to me after taking that entire image in that day-he really wasn't as spectacular as I had made him out to be. In fact, he looked rather small and diminutive.

It was then that I realized that this person, or rather this perfect image I had created in my mind, simply did not exist. Sure, he was nice enough, but fundamentally and after months of heartache and tears, he really wasn't good to me. At that moment the image faded and I was suddenly jolted back to reality. The image wasn't so beautiful....this was someone that had hurt deeply and had never reciprocated the care and love I once had for him. In effect, it was a completely one sided relationship, with me working my ass off to keep things afloat, while "prince charming" sat back and sulked and chose to live in a bleak and dark past.

So now I am ready to tell the world that I am finally seeing a man who cares for me and treats me as I deserve. At the moment I saw the ghost of my relationship past flash in front of me, I realized in that second how wonderful it was to finally have someone in my life who truly cared for me and, gasp, tells me on a daily basis he misses me when we cannot be together. I finally understand that a good relationship does not require me to work like hell and give 100% of myself all the time while the other person contributes absolutely nothing. A good relationship is about two people giving and taking equally. It is about mutual respect and admiration and missing and longing for that person when you cannot be with them.

It was once said that "there’s no need to miss someone from your past. There’s a reason they didn’t make it to your future." How true. Why miss someone who obviously didn't make the cut into your future. It really isn't worth being with someone who leaves us with a gaping hole in our chests anyway. So what is the point then? Should we ever regret a previous relationship? I think not. Being with the wrong person has taught me about how wonderful it will be, or may already be, when the right person finally comes along.

~ Take a second out to think about this: in your life you search and search for the right person for you. Every time you break up with someone you get one step closer to that person. You should look at moving on as getting closer to meeting the one. ~

Day #96 & #97: A good relationship is like a warm pair of woolen socks

Yes...I really just compared a relationship, not just any relationship but a good relationship, with a pair of socks. No, I've not hit writers block as Carrie did SATC when she began comparing men to socks. I'm comparing a relationship to socks...let me explain. Warm woolen socks equal comfort and safety to me, and just like those fantastically warm and cozy socks, a good relationship should also be comfortable, warm, cozy and safe.

Realistically, anything that you find cozy and safe can be compared to a good relationship. If warm flannel sheets fit the bill, fantastic. Or if a jar of natural peanut butter and a spoon is your idea of warm and cozy so be it. Get the drift here? The point is that the fundamentals of any healthy, fulfilling and happy relationship rest on the principles of comfort, safety and kindness. Comfort in the sense that being with your partner makes the world seem like a better place. He or she is the yin to your yang and your dearest friend. There's also a sense of safety, meaning that is the person which you put utmost trust in and vice versa. Finally kindness...I'm sorry to say but I have not found a single successful relationship that is not built on kindness. Kindness fosters admiration and above all respect.

Mark Twain wrote, "kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see." Relationship article after relationship article stresses the importance of kindness and the solid marriage. Chinese culture emphasizes not only the love in a relationship but the need to care for one another. It is a joyful dance of two souls, finding comfort in each others presence, joy in each others words and actions, and safety simply by being with each other. So, go out and find your warm woolen socks. Take them out for a spin and try them on for size. And if you feel all warm and cozy inside it may just be that you've found yourself the beginnings of a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

"There is no feeling more comforting and consoling than knowing you are right next to the one you love."

Day #91, #92, #93, #94, & #95: What is love?

Is love a fancy, or a feeling? No.
It is immortal as immaculate Truth,
'Tis not a blossom shed as soon as youth,
Drops from the stem of life--for it will grow,
In barren regions, where no waters flow,
Nor rays of promise cheats the pensive gloom.
A darkling fire, faint hovering o'er a tomb,
That but itself and darkness nought doth show,
It is my love's being yet it cannot die,
Nor will it change, though all be changed beside;
Though fairest beauty be no longer fair,
Though vows be false, and faith itself deny,
Though sharp enjoyment be a suicide,
And hope a spectre in a ruin bare.
--Hartley Coleridge

What exactly is love? Scholars, poets, writers have been pondering this one small question since the beginning of time. Yet, the answer to this seemingly simple question perplexes the greatest of minds, and turns geniuses into fools.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines love as an intense feeling of deep affection; a person or thing that one loves; a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone; like very much, find pleasure in. Voltaire wrote that "Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination." My personal favorite, however, comes from the brilliant yet convoluted mind of Woody Allen, "To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."

Not sure any of this has answered my question. It makes me wonder what love is for each one of us? How many of us have been in love, or at least thought we were in love? Sure, we met someone who caused heart palpitations, goose bumps, and sleepless euphoric nights, but I have to wonder...is that really love or like on steroids? Scientists have identified three chemicals released when someone is in love: phenethylamine, dopamine, and oxytocin. Phenethylamine is a psychoative chemical that causes stimulant effects. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter . Dopamine commonly associated with the pleasure system of the brain, providing feelings of enjoyment and reinforcement. Oxytocin is a hormone involved in social recognition and bonding, and may be involved in the formation of trust between people. Is is the firing of chemicals that accounts for all of the looniness and craziness associated with falling in love? If so, God help us all.

I suppose I have been in love. I have certainly felt all of the above symptoms, and then found myself fantastically crashing to the bottom of the pit when that "love" faded away. Helen Fisher of Rutgers University in New Jersey has proposed that we fall in love in three stages:

Three Stages of Falling in Love

Stage 1: Lust

Stage 2: Attraction

Stage 3: Attachment

According to Arthur Aron, professor of psychology at State University of New York at Stony Brook, "the areas of the brain activated by intense love are the same areas that drugs use to reduce pain." Falling in love also elicits the same euphoric feelings as being high on cocaine. No wonder so many of us are addicted to being in love...we simply cannot alter brain chemistry!

So what is a successful, independent woman to do? It appears that years of education and independence are no match for the chemistry of love. To this I say...boo!! OK, not exactly. Despite my scientific background and years as a lab rat, I must say that in my less than expert opinion, love cannot be reduced to that of chemicals and biology. What about emotion, feelings, fears, etc... All of this encompasses the intensity of love. You see, to me, love just is and love just happens. We don't choose who we love or why we love them. It cannot be avoided or stalled or blocked...it simply happens when we are not looking.

As Charles du Bos wrote, "Love does not care to define and is never in a hurry to do so." Love is both a fancy and a feeling. A feeling that is remarkable and, frankly, indescribable. Love builds bridges and destroys bigotry. Every human being is capable of great love. Just as Tennyson wrote, "I hold it true, whatever befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all."

Day #87, #88, #89, & #90: It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

I love, love, love this time of the year!!! I'm the crazy person listening to Christmas carols while preparing Thanksgiving dinner, spending insane amounts of money on holiday decor, and enjoy the cold nights and shorter days. I love the holidays! Nothing lifts me up more than a twinkling Christmas, a toasty pair of wool socks and wrapping Christmas presents while watching A Christmas Story for the umpteenth hundred time.

Calvin Coolidge wrote Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas." The holidays are my own personal form of Prozac. I seem to have a spring in my step and a twinkle in my eye. I am in no better mood than this time of the year. If it was possible to buy a time-share or rent a bungalow at the north pole I would so be there.

I think it has something to do with the spirit of the season. It is generally this time of the year that I feel most in tune with my spiritual side and more enamored by ritual and tradition. Despite one who generally balks and tradition and ritual...I'm convinced I may possible spontaneously combust if I saunter into mass one Sunday morning...the ritual of the holidays provides me tremendous comfort. I feel like I get to visit with the one's I love the most, that bygones will be bygones and all can be forgotten, and that the capacity for love and kindness is infinite.

I treasure baking kruschiki with my mother, father, brother, and sister and have incredibly fond memories of being covered from head to toe with powdered sugar and watching my brother devour half of the batch before we're even finished. I love the smell of fresh pine and pink-cold noses. I will never forget by brother waking us at 4 in the morning to see if Santa had come or my sister informing my father that Santa stole the milk glass one year, only to return the wrong glass the following year. I now understand why my parents made a bee-line for the coffee machine on those early Christmas mornings. It was just about being together, pajamas clad, sleepy eyed, but so full of wonder and hope for the coming year to come.

And, unlike most people, I find this time of the year to be the most romantic of ever. When I do manage to get married, believe me, it will be a snow-filled, ice-cycle sparkling bonanza! It could even snow for all I care...snow is white anyway!

It was once written "Christmas began in the heart of God. It is complete only when it reaches the heart of man." So live it up this year! Enjoy this beautiful winter season whether you celebrate Christmas or not. Regardless, it is a spectacular time of the year. As Terri Guillements wrote,
"The color of springtime is in the flowers, the color of winter is in the imagination."

Day #83, #84, #85, & #86: We really can have it all.

Why does it have to be one or the other? Why must a successful woman choose between the wildly successful career or the wildly successful relationship/marriage/family? Is it wrong to want all of these simultaneously? I keep wondering about this. The old expression that if you pile the plate too high than there's no way everything is going to get the attention it needs and deserves. Economist Sylvia Ann Hewlett argued in 2002, "the more successful the woman, the less likely it is she will find a husband or a bear a child."

Ouch...that's certainly a blow to the self-esteem. We can achieve PhDs, MDs, CRNPs, MSNs, but we can't land the elusive MRS. The 20th century show women gaining greater access to higher education and professional careers, all the while missing out on marriage and children. Despicable if you ask me. Just because I choose to receive an education, does that mean I am inept or unwilling to counterbalance that success with the success of family. It's time for a revolution.

A 2006 article from the Washington Post post reported that highly educated women are now as likely to have children as their less-educated counterparts, and much more likely to have children born in wedlock. Economically successful woman are alsothe fastest-growing segment of the minority of women who have children even if they do not marry. Apparently, "the secret to having it all is knowing you already do."

So I am now a believer. I am converted optimist that believes as a successful woman I can have all that I want. I can have the career, the relationship, the marriage, and the family. It is not out of my reach. Maya Angelou wrote, "Courage allows the successful woman to fail-and learn powerful lessons-from the failure-so that in the end, she didn't fail at all." Perhaps, my detriments in personal undertaking have taught me very powerful lessons. Ones that I know will allow me to finally complete the cycle, and yes, have it all.

Day #79, #80, #81, #82: More than meets the eye

Have you created him in your mind? The perfect man. Your prince charming. Is he 6'2, brown eyes, dark hair, olive skin? Or perhaps, maybe he's blonde, blue-eyed and as lean as a gazelle. Does he speak several languages and emit confidence and poise every time he enters a room? Is he well traveled, well educated, and a bountiful stock portfolio and has ambitions of one day retiring in the Virgin Islands with his 50-foot yacht and 10,000 square foot beach house? Or maybe he's a gentle artist incredibly in touch with his feelings, wooing unsuspecting females with his sensitivity and keen eye for color. What exactly is ideal?

I'm starting to wonder about all of this insanity and the illusion of perfection. It's as if we create a perfect image only to create a perfect set up for disappointment. Disappointment in the sense that we never meet that perfect ideal which, of course, only creates disappointment and bitterness and worst of all, cynicism. How many of us go out into this world in search of our perfect match, checklist and scented magic marker in hand. And if even one of those little boxes is not checked off he's disqualified without a second thought or given a chance to argue his case. No, the jury has spoken, case dismissed. Ah, but is there folly in this whole convoluted process.

It was written that "the best way to find your perfect match is to meet love halfway." Maybe it's time to let the checklist burn. I'm starting to think that the checklist has been more of a hindrance than a help. Simply put, no man or woman is perfect. Sure, it's nice to have basic fundamentals that you hope to find in a partner....loyalty, kindness, the desire for a family...but does he really need to speak 5 languages, own a cottage in Nice, and drive the newest BMW? I think not.

Perhaps, he just needs to be sweet, dote on you a little bit, make the bed just because he knows you likes it, show up with a single red rose to brighten your day, tell you how beautiful you are and enjoy every moment you are both together. Most importantly, he's certainly worth considering if he makes you smile just because and laugh harder than anyone else on the planet. Agnes Repplier wrote, "We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh." It appears that it really is best to keep an open mind and an open heart. And if you are laughing to hard together that tears are streaming down both of your faces, well, then you may have just found yourself a keeper.