Day #48 & #49: I am my best friend, NOT my worst enemy

Robert Thorpe wrote, "we have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies." I have come to the conclusion that for many of us we are our own worst enemies. I keep wondering why this is. Has our self-esteem just not yet matured, or were we not loved enough as a child? There are probably more reasons than I could possibly count. Whatever the reason, it needs to stop. Helen Keller wrote that "Self pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."

I was, without a doubt, my own worst enemy. I could do nothing right. My existence was futile, at least in my mind, and my contribution to this world was minimal if nothing. It now amazes me that when I looked back at my accomplishments, the "enemy" part of me always found a negative counteraction. I ran the marathon...."yeah, but I should have run it faster." I got a master's degree...."yeah, but really, I should get a PhD." I go above and beyond sometimes at work...."yeah, but really I should be doing more." Why did I do this?! Why do we do this?! When will we realize that all of the amazing things we do are worthy of praise.

It's time to the stop the madness. Each one of us should stand in front of a mirror, and take a good hard look at what it standing in front of us. This is not some meek, worthless, unaccomplished image. No, it's a phenomenal human being that has far exceeded expectation, and who has even more to contribute. I love Mae West, and leave it to her to say the following, "I don't like myself, I'm crazy about myself." I don't care what anyone thinks, but this broad got it right. We should be crazy about ourselves. We should celebrate who we are, and above all, we really need to stop minimizing or dismissing all of our achievements. From this day forward, my goal will to always be my own best friend.

It's inevitable, and it's human, all of us make a mistake or screw up. However, dwelling on what went wrong or rehashing the mess that was made is pointless, and just bad for the psyche. Thoreau wrote, "what a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates his fate." Give yourself a big hug everyday, love yourself above all. There comes a point in life when the wounds of the past must be mended, and we must finally accept that we are, and always will be, or own best friends. And, I don't know about you, but I dare anyone to talk shit about my best friend.

Day #46 & #47: One word...why?

I believe there are days in life when it's as if the world is slowly imploding around you, and all you want to do is crawl into a dark corner and hide. Maybe it's a basic human instinct....the need to feel safe and protected. It's has if this dark looming cloud envelopes you, and nothing you do or try can release it. It is days like this that lead me to ask one little question...why?

How many of us have found ourselves on our knees or lying on the ground staring at the ceiling, tears streaming down our faces, crying out...why, why, WHY??? I have been told by many pious friends of mine that God only gives you what He feels you can handle, with His help of course. Today, I looked up at the sky on my walk, eyes fixated on the heavens above, and simply thought to myself, "dear God, I love you, but you gotta give me a break. I'm tired." Of course, accompanied with this very perfunctory statement, came the elusive follow up question, "God, why did you give this to me? Have I done something wrong? Do you really think I'm that strong?"

I'm not sure if I have a good answer to any of it. Perhaps, it's just not meant to be answered. Maybe, I need to stop trying so hard to figure it out, and just let the answers come to me. Am I strong? I suppose so. Do I feel I can handle what God has handed me? Hmm, so far so good. The deep underlying question, however, is for what reason? The reason...I have no clue.

I can think of all the difficulties in life, all of the pain, and heartache, the tears, the moments of complete and utter despair. It's as if part of me has welled them up inside, and only now, when I have reached the ripe old age of 30, I can finally understand that I need to let it go. Maybe God is trying to tell me, enough. Yes, He's given me difficulties in life, but He has also given me free will and the tremendous ability to forgive and to love. He's also granted me beautiful and wondrous moments in life, for which I am grateful. Maybe, there's just not one concrete answer. Life tends to be a myriad of shades of gray, as opposed to the distinct black and white. I think at this point, I will stop asking why, and simply start listening. I will listen to my heart, my feelings, and to the little clues that God seems to be whispering in my ear, that I have yet to hear. I'm not sure what it will eventually bring me, but it has to be better than the present circumstances.

I found a beautiful quote that Christopher Robin said to Winnie the Pooh. He says, "Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” Hmmm...maybe, just maybe, God is standing in front of me, arms waving, blow horn in hand, and trying to tell me, "yes, I've given you a lot, but remember this, you are braver, stronger, and more able than you think. Give yourself more credit girl. I think you're pretty darn spiffy, and I made you."

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer." ~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Day #44 & #45: Let's play the dating game.

Dating is a tricky sport. Some of us are Olympic champions, while others of us are the Jamaican bobsled team of dating. We try and we have the heart, but we're just not very good at it. I think after years of dating, it is very easy to become cynical and jaded. However, I think most women, including myself, have not been playing the game correctly. Many of us have turned it into the quest of finding "the one," instead of just enjoying the game.

Whenever I think of the woman desperately in search of her knight in shining armor, I think of Charlotte from "Sex and the City." I will never forget Charlotte declaring, "I've been dating since I was 15. Where is he!" She is what I'd like to call the quintessential "hunter." She is always in search of her knight, imagining the china pattern they would pick out, the wedding dress of her dreams, his last name next to her first name, and how many children she and her "prey" will pop out. And, of course, Charlotte imagines this all on the first date! She's got all of it planned out even before they are done with appetizers. Tricky, very tricky....

OK, so here is my confession, I used to be that girl. Dating to me was not about having fun and getting to know someone. No my friends, it was all about finding "the husband." This is what makes a bad dater. Now, of course, this isn't to say that we don't get to a point in life where we are ready to settle down with the right person. The problem is when that one notion consumes you so deeply that you forget to just go out, be yourself, and have fun. It's all about an agenda and a deadline. This is what gets us in trouble.

So, from this day forward, I am putting my ammunition away and bringing in the search party. My goal is to date with no expectations. Rather, I will enjoy the ride. As my dear friend Amy says, "Your cake is already fabulous! He's just the icing!" So, if I find my sweet butter cream icing, well, that would be just wonderful. If not, I know my cake is wonderful enough to stand on its own :)

Day #42 & #43: the pursuit of happiness

I have been reading a book entitled, "10,000 Things to be Happy About." This is a book compiled by a professor who kept meticulous notes and journals throughout the years of all of the things that brought her happiness. What I find so intriguing about this book is that she really finds happiness in the most simplest of things. The finds happiness in the softness of a rug under her feet, junk in the attic, and, believe it or not, a clean litter box. I have been thinking about what are "my little things" that make me happy, and if the recognition of these "little things" only amplifies the happiness.

Happiness means many different things to every one of us. A beat salad with arugula may be the highlight of someones day, while another may struggle to get it down. This of course, is the subjectivity of life. The tricky thing is figuring out what makes us happy, and then sustaining that happiness for as long as we live. No easy task, but then again, nothing is life is ever easy. And, I can say for certain that a little bit of work to find my happiness sounds a thousand times better than a lifetime of misery.

Buddhism teaches that one's own happiness comes from forgetting one's individual happiness and focusing on the happiness of others. This is the path to self-enlightenment. Christians believe that following the teachings of Christ will bring every lasting joy. Judaism teaches that happiness is a state of mind, while Islam believes that complete surrender to Allah is the path to happiness. Whatever you believe, the core principal of all practices, beliefs, and life for that matter is the pursuit of pure and unending happiness. I'd like to try an exercise. Just like the professor I discussed above, maybe we all need to make our list of what makes us happy. Maybe it's more that we need a daily reminder to be happy, to look and see all of the things that make us happy, and realize that we are never without them. So, I will get started, and I encourage each and everyone of you to create your list, and follow your path to happiness.

What makes me happy:
1. my family and my friends
2. handing an airline attendant my boarding pass and getting on that plane
3. my furry little kitty cat curled up next to me under the covers, even if she is sticking her butt in my face :)
4. fresh homemade seltzer
5. buying produce from the local farm
6. mornings when I get to sleep in
7. real cream in my coffee
8. a shelf full of books
9. watering my plants
10. a good hair day :-)
11. fresh cleaned clothes that are folded and put away
12. getting real letters, not emails, in the mail
13. my soft sofa
14. pumpkins
15. pumpkin pie!
16. shoes ;)
17. rainy days where I can stay in my jammies and do nothing
18. a good book
19. shamelessly watching some reality TV show
20. NPR in the morning
21. old photos of family and friends
22. poetry
23. buying new running shoes
24. the Fall, and anything and everything associated with it
25. writing
26. giving someone a hug that isn't expecting it
27. rare meat, yum!
28. sushi
29. a tank full of gas
30. an organized sock drawer
31. getting all of my bills paid for the month
32. silence
33. getting my passport stamped
34. being on time for anything
35. this list



to be continued....

"Optimist: Person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness." Mark Twain

Day #41: The day the earth stood still.

Have you ever had a day that was so startling, so shocking, that the world feels like it has come to a screeching halt, and time stands still. It almost feels as if you're an extra in a movie, instead of the star of your own life. This has been my day. I will spare everyone the gory details, but the fact of the matter is this day in many ways is a rebirth for me. It's the first day that I have stood up on my own, and really and truly believed that I can and should depend on me.

Maslow's theory of hierarchy states that the highest level of human achievement is that of self-actualization. Self-actualization is defined as "What a man can be, he must be. This need we may call self-actualization…It refers to the desire for self-fulfillment, namely, to the tendency for him to become actualized in what he is potentially. This tendency might be phrased as the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming." I wonder how many of us go through life lacking this crucial piece. Is it that something in our past has prevented the development of self or has our true self been squashed and beaten into submission by someone or something that felt threatened. I'm not entirely sure, but it seems that a life lead without self-actualization is more of an existence than actually living.

Here are Maslow's characteristics of self-actualized people:

* Acceptance and Realism: Self-actualized people have realistic perceptions of themselves, others and the world around them.

* Problem-centering: Self-actualized individuals are concerned with solving problems outside of themselves, including helping others and finding solutions to problems in the external world. These people are often motivated by a sense of personal responsibility and ethics.

* Spontaneity: Self-actualized people are spontaneous in their internal thoughts and outward behavior. While they can conform to rules and social expectations, they also tend to be open and unconventional.

* Autonomy and Solitude: Another characteristics of self-actualized people is the need for independence and privacy. While they enjoy the company of others, these individuals need time to focus on developing their own individual potential.

* Continued Freshness of Appreciation: Self-actualized people tend to view the world with a continual sense of appreciation, wonder and awe. Even simple experiences continue to be a source of inspiration and pleasure.

* Peak Experiences: Individuals who are self-actualized often have what Maslow termed peak experiences, or moments of intense joy, wonder, awe and ecstasy. After these experiences, people feel inspired, strengthened, renewed or transformed.

There are of course the critics that say Maslow is full of bologna, and that there is no scientific validity or acceptable manner which to test this theory. But this is such the scientist talking. Maybe there is more to it than data with a P value of <0.001, or reproducible science. Maybe it's so much deeper than that. I like what Maslow has to say. I like the idea of autonomy, realism, acceptance, spontaneity, experience, and yes, even solitude.

I found this wonderful poem on a site that goes something like this:

Mirror, Mirror

I look in the mirror and what do I see?
A very wonderful, special me!
With pretty eyes all shiny and bright,
My smile show my teeth all pearly white
It certainly is great to be
This very wonderful, special ME!

~author unknown

So what do I see when I look in the mirror? Have I reached self-actualization? When I look in the mirror I see a strong beautiful woman. I see all the potential and desire that lives inside of me, just waiting to escape. I see a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin, a friend. I see a wife to be, a mother to be. I see a caregiver and a scholar, a writer and artist. I see kindness and compassion, and most importantly I see the readiness and willingness to give and receive love. Maybe this is what Maslow had in mind. Buddhists believe that love is wanting others to be happy, and that love is unconditional and requires courage and acceptance, including self-acceptance. To love self is to love others, and to love others is to be happy. On this day of days, I believe within my heart that love is and always will be what will carry us through, and for that I choose to love unconditionally, with courage and acceptance.

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” -Mother Teresa

Day #39 & #40: Finding my religion.

So much happens at 30, at least so much has happened for me, and not merely on a physical and mental level. I've started to begin this transformation that to me feels metaphysical and spiritual, and part of it is really discovering who I am. I was out today taking a walk, hopefully not to the dismay of my physical therapist, and my goal throughout the entire walk was to take in ever sensory experience I could...I felt the cool Fall breeze on the tip of my nose, I smelled the lovely smell of fresh fallen leaves, I saw the tapestry of color that comes with the season, I heard the toil and chatter of a pre-teen soccer game, and I tasted the burning embers of a blazing fireplace. You see, to me, this is my spiritual place, this is my church.

I've been searching over the past year to figure out what "religion" suits me best. I was raised Catholic, and although I appreciate and respect the beautiful traditions of the faith, to me I've always felt disconnected. To me, church has never been a place where I feel close to God. It's more of a place for ritual and practice, and that has never appealed to me in the spiritual sense. I've always felt closest to God when alone, or at least alone in a physical sense...just me and God one on one, amongst the beauty of nature. I often have this conversation with God that goes something like this, "Hey God, it's Michelle, again, how are things in the universe?" And he would reply, "Just stellar my darling. It's good to hear from you again. We really should catch up more often."

I'm not convinced that one creed, or one religion, is the right and most divine path to God. Yes, I do believe in Jesus, but I also believe in Buddha, and Moses, and Shiva, and Mohamed...to me they are all vessels for God, and not one or the other is more important. It has always seemed silly to me that the human race finds some inexplicable desire to fight over religions, but when we strip it down to its structure and skeleton, all revolve around the same idea...love God and love one another. Maybe John Lennon had it right when he wrote,

"Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace


I'd like to think that my spirituality, or my religion, is based solely on my relationship with God, and the incredible bond that I have formed with him this past year. I simply felt what was in my heart, and without flinching, my relationship with God was born. Now, this isn't to say that I find anything wrong with organized religion. In fact, in many ways I see the beauty of Christianity, Judaism, and all of the worlds religions. I'm in awe of the discipline of my family and friends who attend church every Sunday, or keep kosher, or pray five times a day. But, the truth of the matter is, that is them, but it's not me. My relationship with God is what lives and breathes within my heart. So maybe the take home point is that spirituality, religion, or whatever you want to call it, is deeply personal, and cannot be expressed in one creed or one book for everyone. Maybe the simplest way to think of it is this, from the beautiful words of Les Miserables, "to love another person is to see the face of God."

Day #38: My body is a temple.

Among other things, turning 30 has had a very profound effect on the way I see my body. If any of you know me well, you know that one of my many psychoses includes running. Unfortunately, running has not exactly loved me back. After ten years of pounding pavement (did you know that each foot strike when running exposes your legs to an impact force of 3-6 times your body weight) my body is starting to rebel and has finally declared, "STOP I need a break!!" Amazingly, it took a huge herniated disk resulting in physical therapy to finally get me to wake up and realize that the most important thing I can do for my physical well being is to slow down and actually listen to what my body is telling me.

I think it is very common for the lot of us to think we are indestructible, especially when we are in our teens and twenties. We put our bodies through grueling tasks, always pushing the limits, never really feeling the impact it has on our physical well being. Then something happens, and one morning you wake up, and you're 30, and you realize that that 20 year old body is a thing of the past. This is not to say that at 30 we are old and decrepit, and ready for the old age home. No, it's more that it's an awakening. It's more that at 30 you realize that the body is not made of kryptonite, more that it is like a fine piece of china, and it needs to be handled with care.

I will say this, at 30 I love my body more than I ever did at 15 or 18 or 25. At 30, I want to take care of my body, and nurture it so that I am able to do all the things I am driven to do for as long as possible. In some ways, this injury has truly been a blessing, because it has allowed me to slow down and take care of myself. As a runner, and I know I have many friends who are runners and understand completely where I'm coming from, you tend to just push through no matter how badly you are hurting. It's all about increasing the speed of your mile or reaching that PR. But you know, and it's been very hard for me to accept this, there comes a point when that mentality does more harm than good.

Simply put, we need to listen to our bodies. If we are hurting or something just doesn't feel right, then our body is telling us, "whoa, you are pushing me way too hard, and I'm about to break." Grace Mirabella wrote, "The name of the game is taking care of yourself, because you're going to live long enough to wish you had.” Stopping when something hurts is also part of taking care of yourself. Believe me, my goal is to be back out on the pavement as soon as my sports medicine doc waves the green flag. In the mean time, I'm going to love myself and be kind to my body, and do what it is asking of me right now. You see, the body and the spirit need to flow and work together in perfect symbiosis. They are in constant communication, and are always telling the other what the other needs. Without this perfect relationship, the human form just doesn't work. Buddhism teaches that it is our duty to keep the body in good health, otherwise we are not able to keep our mind strong and clear. I will honor my spirit and I will honor my body so that eventually things will heal, and my spirit and my body in mutual harmony, will allow me to tie my running shoes and head out the door.